well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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