No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
