That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
