Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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