but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
a search helicopter?!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
