Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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