So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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