Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
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Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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