I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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