I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
