Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
