Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
