I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And then he peed in my hair
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