Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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