I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
