apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm way too hungover for life right now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
