i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
