I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
