She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
