woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
