I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
