so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
