I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
