he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The feeling are messing with the penis
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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