dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
