I could make wine with my vomit
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize