omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
