Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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