if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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