you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
