Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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