I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
