Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
