TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
