There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
