can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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