Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
