whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
