if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
