I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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