Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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