you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
