I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
