piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
