we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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