if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
