Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
