Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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