Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
