I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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