I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
