a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
