Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
