I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
