ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
