ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
