Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
