why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
